Fall Out Boy’s Evening out with Your Girlfriend, Track Three: “Switchblades & Infidelity”
A rough timeline of events on Monday, 13 March 2017:
5:00 AM: Woke up
5:50 AM: Got out of bed
5:52 AM: Put on a pot of coffee
5:55 AM: Checked the latest sports scores, and more, on my preferred sports news websites
6:02 AM: Poured coffee into a travel mug. A balanced breakfast! (Imbalance is a type of balance!)
6:05 AM: Listened to “Switchblades & Infidelity” for the second time in my life
I called this blog “Bury Me in Memory” because “‘Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things to Do Today’” is the second Fall Out Boy song I ever heard and I have a deep attachment to it. Also, this blog is just an excuse for me to relive my high school glory days, when it was acceptable to be as angst-ridden and sexually confused as I am today. It was a generally appropriate title for this blog about Fall Out Boy, but it’s not quite appropriate for most of these early posts, because I have no memories of these songs. Eight of the first nine posts are about songs I will likely not have heard before the week I have to write about them.
So making these posts about something is rather difficult, since I’ve never had an emotional connection to any of these songs, and I might be just a touch too old to find that connection. What certainly isn’t helping is that I am listening to these songs in a way that is likely to foster any sort of enduring love. I have found a way to turn Fall Out Boy into homework. This is like any other English essay I ever wrote. I will write an attention-grabbing introduction, state my thesis in the introductory paragraph, provide three paragraphs of supporting evidence, and re-state my thesis in the conclusion. An old English teacher might stumble across this blog and give me an A out of habit, but it’s not going to be entertaining to read, because it’s not entertaining to read someone sipping coffee and saying “I guess this is fine?” to their laptop screen.
But, I dunno, I guess this is fine. It’s a two-minute song, and ~half the time is spent saying, “Last night I saw my world explode.” It may well be someone’s favorite song, but I don’t feel it. It’s two minutes of my life that I decided to expand into half an hour, figuring out what to write, wondering if there’s anything to this idea, debating if I should flesh this out to 1000 words or if I should set the precedent early that I’m going to make these posts as long as the hell I want. These posts should be long, right? I’m only posting once a week, and there is nothing else on this blog. These posts should be meaty, and they should be packed to the brim with all the jokes I can muster! I have no meat, though, and despite the tireless efforts of our most ethical food scientists, people can tell when they’re eating a fake burger. This song is fine, and lo, I have no hot post for y’all.
But perhaps if I give it time, if I give it more than half an hour, I can connect “Switchblades & Infidelity” to my life. Let’s sit with it today, see what happens!
6:30 AM: Begin getting dressed and undergo morning grooming rituals.
6:40 AM: Leave the apartment to catch the bus.
7:10 AM: Arrive downtown and walk to my transfer stop.
7:32 AM: Arrive at work. For clerical purposes, we call this 7:30, because the 40 cents to be gained from this lie is totally worth jeopardizing the hundreds of dollars I will need to feed and shelter myself in the future.
11:15 AM: Time for a healthy lunch of a salted nut roll, six mini-donuts, and a Coke Zero!
2:45 PM: Man, I always seem to run into a wall around this time for some reason. I can’t figure it out!
3:15 PM: I have done enough to hit 130% of productivity standards. Time to figure out how we’re going to pretend to work for 45 minutes!
3:59 PM: Call it a day. For clerical purposes, we call this 4:00. Eventually, a bus will come.
4:20 PM: Arrive downtown and wait for my transfer.
4:55 PM: Home.
5:20 PM: Ah fuck I was supposed to be thinking about that Fall Out Boy song at some point
Welp. …Welcome to this bonus Tuesday post! Because here at Bury Me in Memory, we’re not gonna make you wait for a post when we know we ain’t got nothin’ for ya.